Friday, April 07, 2006

shall be heading to tekong for full time NS on 3rd june. i'm pretty eager to get in as i'm freaking bored right now. i don't think the training would be bothering me that much though i rather lazy most of the time. but i love running around and doing obstacle courses though its tiring la =p.

anyway thats not the main point. winning competition and winning matches isn't important to me anymore. though i might take pride in the game i'm playing. i always play to win and be the best that i can. being in the best css team in singapore. that's my pride and ego.

and for you to know...

i might be suffering from depression.

the only thing is that you made a difference to my life. u lit up my life when it was so pitch dark. lawan was cute. the time i hug you for the very first time. all the very special moments. it's just fading away. it's not about you. you're fine. you're perfectly fine alright? it's never any of your fault. it's just mine.

not taking responsibilty. not thinking about how u feel as a girl. being so insensitive at times when you say theres nothing wrong when there is. sometimes i just can't guess. hais. and who was the one that said i would be a lousy bf? maybe you're right after all lol.

i've been treated like shit. being dumped and used. wearing a green hat. taking all the humiliation. taking all the insults and protecting her for what? its just all in the past now and its bullshit. she two-timed me? awww that's very sad to hear now. now there're just ppls talking about me being the idiot ex bf that i am.

sucidal that i am? hahaha there's this point of time where i love looking outta my window. and thinking of where i was going to go next after i passed on. and after the passing of my younger cousin, i wrote a will just in case something went wrong. a freak accident or something. in those turmoil days. NONE was there for me actually. some went missings. some whom i wanted to talk to just wasn't the right one to talk to.

casey doesn't even know this. i think the only one that knows about this was angel. and maybe some others haha. i don't know. now the feeling is just coming back. the only reason why i'm still typing this is because i always put others in front of me than myself. i care more for others than myself. maybe thats one reason.

it's hard to put down in words what i've been through. you know what happnened to me and my ex right? know those days? it's just not the sickness. it's the brutal attack and the pain and the scolding and pain i had in my head and heart. brownie was always there for me. hahaha. browniel... *looks at brownie now and then* come to think of it. brownie aint very handsome anymore =\. hais.

is brownie important? yes he is. but he's still a stuffed bear after all. he can't talk to me and everything but you can. and you're ignoring me. you need time to think this over. okay i shall. death comes to all. sooner or later. be prepared is better than not preparing.

and if one day i'm not online for 3 days in a row without any prior notice. something must have happened to me. and rachel was pretty concerned for me during that time. err rachel? it's rachel chow jia hui actually. complicated girl she is also. hahaha.

nonetheless. just to end this off. i love you.

brownie typed this at 12:26 AM